Scars ⚡️

Sadness is a daunting subject to write about.  That's for sure.  Sadness is something we feel as we grow up; perhaps we lose our favorite toy growing up, or a pet that is near and dear to us runs away from home.  While we may weep for a season, it usually passes, and we grow, get stronger, and move on with life.

But what about the moments that are so hurtful they leave scars?  The kind of life events that shape us forever; we might put up walls, or change our behavior drastically.  That's the kind of event I need to vaguely talk about today.

I've eluded to it many times before in writing, but there's one particular event in my life that changed me, molded me, created a wound that took YEARS to heal into an ugly scar.  I want to preface talking about this by stating I am not perfect.  I never was, I never will be.  She wasn't either.

I've only been truly, romantically, in love once in my life.  I was a senior in high school, and she was a freshman.  It was never supposed to work out, but it did.  To keep it short, the first time I saw her, everyone else in the crowded band room faded away.  She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, but never acted like it.  She never acted beautiful, which made her personality the most attractive thing about her.  I digress.

I started "talking" to her, we contemplated the age difference (now that I'm 25, 4 years doesn't seem so big), and we intelligently weighed our options.  We were both very bright, and liked each other a great deal.  Our morals were spot on the same, and both didn't mind being a bit goofy.  She was my version of perfect (not in a literal sense, but you get what I mean).  I eventually typed out what I was going to say, and FINALLY asked her father for permission to date her (as any gentleman would) and to our surprise, he said yes.

We shared experience after experience for a little over a year and a half:  This included my ENTIRE senior year of high school, my first summer at Cadets, and into my first year of community college.  She grew less dependent of me, she slowly grew away from me as her best friend, and I felt as if I became a bother to her.

Meanwhile, I was blinded by the longest, best relationship I had ever had.  I lost sight of who I was, because my identity was so linked to her.  I needed her.  Life without her would be tragic and unthinkable.  We grew ever so slowly in different directions.  I made mistakes, said things I shouldn't have, and lost myself.  She wasn't completely void of missteps either.  She began to see me less, and want me less.  She started to drift toward an earthly crowd, and earthly thoughts (me too).  She wanted to be free of me, but didn't have the heart to make that choice herself.  It was like the old her that I met that fateful May day was holding on to everything we had built, while the new her wanted to break free into uncharted waters.  She found herself at a crossroads and so did our relationship.

I remember begging her not to go.  Weeping, sobbing, crying on her shoulder.  She was my EVERYTHING.  I had invested so much.  I loved her.  After a tough realization, I too decided it would be best for us to go our separate ways.  If we had continued down the path we were on, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself.  Our breakup NEEDED to happen.  And so it did.

After an emotional breakdown months later, I snooped, and searched, and manipulated to get information about certain rumors I had heard.  These rumors sounded nothing like the girl I knew.  She was becoming exactly who she said she never would.  So I tried to play dumb and confront her about it.  It backfired, and she hasn't talked to me since.  Rightfully so.  I was wrong on every front, even if it was out of raw emotion.

Months pass.  I couldn't find the urge to date.  Years pass.  I still didn't have the courage to date.  Because of this massive event, my heart now has a huge scar.  I protected myself from wasting time and energy on anyone who is even remotely headed down a different path.  I put up walls.  I have a checklist of criteria.

More years pass and I finally get the urge to date again, but none of the potentials led anywhere.  None come close to comparing to the great memories.  So I waited patiently.  I still wait patiently.

Good did come out of this scar.  I found me.  I avoided dating catastrophe.  I listened and obeyed my Lord and Savior.  I am stronger.

However, every now and then, I still get a bit sad remembering the good ol' days.  The happy memories.  The flashbacks are less frequent now, but still sting just as much.

Life lessons:  Be careful of who and how you date in your early years; you never know how it could wreck you later down the road for years to come.  Additionally know this:  God will always provide an avenue to redemption and healing in the event you do become scarred by going astray.  He loves you and wants to fill the void.  I need reminding of that on a daily basis.

Sadness is just the dark before the morning.  It will eventually be swallowed up by the greatest sunrise you've ever seen.  Give it time.  And so I wait.  Ever so patiently.